A lot has happened since my last post...
I have said many, many things I never thought I would:
"Griffin has gone into cardiac arrest."
"I didn't make it in time."
"I didn't get to say goodbye."
"We got him back."
"Griffin has been life-flighted to Stanford."
"Griffin will be in the hospital for close to the next year, if not longer."
"Griffin will need 2-3 more open heart surgeries and the prognosis is not good."
"Griffin has had a stroke."
"Griffin is going in for emergency neurosurgery."
And I've done a lot too:
I have lived at the edge of all the light I know, felt the end of all the hope I have, and touched the last vestiges of strength I possess - and then, somehow, I have found it's not the end after all, breathed in new and inexplicable hope, found strength I did not know I had.
I have questioned my decisions as a mother and advocate a million times.
I have interrogated, screamed at, and wrestled with God, the world, everyone in it, and anything in between.
I have been angry, heartbroken, grief-stricken, inexplicably hopeful, and full of a peace that makes zero sense.
As someone very dear to me would say, I "have been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride". I give it zero stars - I would not recommend.
I have felt the full, inexplicable, and sometimes unbearable weight of motherhood. Felt the full force and repercussions of unconditional and irrevocable love.
I have had my heart torn in four directions, two different places, and made impossible choices - choices that have cost me dearly and taken everything in me to make.
I have once again changed indefinably and infinitely.
I have learned, yet again, and as Roger Knapp told us, that you really can keep going long after you think you can't. That hope, faith, and gratitude really will get you through the dark, paving a path unseen until you find your way back to the light.
And in the months to come, I'll say and do these things, and more, again and again - because the weight, the heartache, the doubt, the joy, all of it, is completely worth it.
They are completely worth it all.
Comments