“...so wildflowers will come up where you are.”

Griffin had a good day yesterday. Nothing too big or exciting happened, it was just a good day where he was stable, improving and there were no major setbacks or curveballs. We’ve been holding our breath for the past two weeks riding the never-ending rollercoaster of progress and regression, so yesterday felt good.

It’s amazing the fog that is lifted on days like those, but you never knew you were living in it in the first place. When you’ve been so dialed in on this one huge, awful thing with intense tunnel vision, you forget that the good parts of life were still happening around you too. You finally blink and see that people were having babies, starting new jobs, taking that long-awaited vacation, graduating from school, getting married. Joy and dreams and wonder were still cropping up all around you like a field of wildflowers, you were just too lost in the weeds to see the rest of it. I also think there's maybe a part of you that almost feels as though to be happy while your child lays in a hospital bed suffering would be the epitome of irreverence and selfishness. I know that's not the actual truth, but it feels like it none the less.

When we came back to the hotel for one of our breaks I noticed it was busier than it usually is, and music was playing throughout the hotel speaker system that didn’t sound like elevator music (for once, praise the Lord). There’s also a giant tent that sits out back of the hotel for events, and I saw from our room people running in and out obviously setting up for something. After a while, it became apparent someone was getting married.

Throughout the day as we were in and out of the room, I would peek outside to watch their progress. Every time we came back it seemed more of the wedding guests and party were filling the lobbies and elevators. You could feel the buzz of good vibes and excitement in the air, and it was contagious. By the time we came back for the evening, it was almost time for the big event.

Now I’ll be honest, I did seriously contemplate crashing the party, and the event seemed big enough I could have probably gotten away with it. But my sweatpants and bed sounded better in the end so I contented myself with watching from our window (I know, creep much?).

You would have thought I knew them I was so excited to finally see them heading down the aisle set by set, and I anxiously awaited the bride's arrival so I could see her hair and wedding dress - I had heard a lot of chatter throughout the hotel about the girls getting ready all day, so I figured it was only fair I should be allowed to see it after all the hype. And then there she was with her dad, crying and laughing and all filled with the jitters and enthusiasm only a bride can have (I’m really making a lot of assumptions here given I have no idea who these people are and I’m watching from the 6th floor, but let’s not shatter my illusions).

To be frank, I was a little underwhelmed by the dress and hair after all the hype; but it was timeless and elegant and she looked really happy...and I was really happy for her; like really happy.

When I noted the smile on my face, that I had stood there at the window for over an hour (like some weird stalker) hoping I would get to see the start of it all, and really examined my irrational joy for this complete stranger, it kind of surprised me and almost took my breath away.

Here I am doing the whole Griffin thing, and I wasn‘t angry or bitter or sad that there was laughter and joy around me. I didn’t feel jaded or robbed or indignant, but truly embraced that this was their season of something good, and I was sincerely overjoyed for their new beginning. I didn't feel blasphemous for feeling content for a moment.

It was just a moment where people were happy, and I was genuinely happy for them with no ounce of reservation or envy, and that felt good. That felt like my own big moment of growth; like I was standing on the precipice of a moment that will make all the difference over the course of my life.

So, to whoever it was that got married at the Marriot yesterday:

Congratulations to you on your big day! I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world. I hope your years together are long, joyous, and meaningful. And though it is unlikely you will ever find this, thank you for (unknowingly) letting me borrow your joy; for pulling me from the shadows that have chased me of late. Thank you for inadvertently helping me grow just a little bit more today.