People ask me all the time, "How are you doing?" I never know how to truly answer that. Do you really want to know, and how much time do you have? Are you looking for a quick response? Would you like sunshine or shadows? Sometimes, oftentimes, I don't have the energy to answer the question fully regardless of what the inquirer intended anyways. I live with that question and others all day every day, trying to process, trying to navigate, trying to deal - it gets super old. Where is the mindless Netflix show at, please? Let's do that instead.
There's also that fact that very few people can understand or relate, and that's no one's fault. Honestly, let's all thank God (or whatever you subscribe to) this is not commonplace! But people still feel the need to talk and try to relate and sympathize, which is genuine and sweet, and also completely reasonable because what else are you supposed to do? But it's often not helpful, and that's not their fault either. And since I've committed to being bluntly honest, I don't always want to hear about your life and problems any more than I want to talk about mine. I know perspective is everything, but I don't want to talk about people's stress at work, their frustration over keeping up on the household chores, or how worried they are about how they're going to pay for that dream vacation at any great length (though there are always exceptions and we never know when it's gonna be that kind of day). While I recognize these are normal things and in another lifetime I would have totally been able to relate, I can't anymore, and it's a struggle to maintain relationships because it's all so complicated now. I'm honestly not trying to be impossible, difficult, or an asshat. It's just where I'm at. It's kind of a nobody-is-gonna-win situation.
So I come here to process and reflect, but writing has been hard lately too. I have over 30 drafts in here because it always goes the same way - I start, and then like the frenetic springtime weather we are currently experiencing, I take a breath, or I blink, and how I feel about and view everything changes. It's a really capricious hamster wheel I'm living on right now. I go from zero to one hundred in nothing flat, from despair to joy in an instant. I'm smiling and having a good day, finding all the silver linings with no problem - and then in a flash I am overstimulated, exhausted, and angry. If I didn't have years of therapy under my belt, I would believe I'm going crazy. I don't even get the privilege of calling this unprocessed grief, because I am nothing if not introspective and a supreme reflector - to a fault. I think they call it "over-thinker". No, this isn't crazy, this is the byproduct of two years of almost incessant high alert, tremendous highs and lows, way too many life-or-death situations, and an overabundance of unknowns. This is my new version of normal , and an "it is what it is" kind of thing.
I could sit here and point out all the good things despite the obviously bad, the soft edges, and the positives - but I don't want to today. Today is a day where I am tired and fed up and I would like to share the unfiltered and bluntly honest parts.
So, you ask, how am I doing?
I've got way too much on my plate.
We're scraping the bottom of the barrel of our financial resources. We've spent a lot of time in hospitals with all the associated costs that come with it, unable to have regular jobs or regular work, and the gigs up. No more savings, no more credit cards or loans to fall back on, no steady paychecks that will solve the problem, and zero ideas as to how much longer this is going to go on. So, what to do? My husband will come home after we get there next week and after Griffin has surgery (whenever that is) to work, or move his business there and work. I've got this completely nonlucrative blog I keep spending time on to at least try and help process my emotions if nothing else; an Etsy shop I'm trying to set up which requires hours of design, research, computer skills, keyword searches, ect - all of which I am a novice in at best; way-too-many social media accounts to try to keep up with because I know how many people love Griffin and want to know what's going on, and we can use all the support we can get; and looking for a part-time remote job I can possibly do while I'm in the hospital with Griffin.
We will continue to live in the Ronald McDonald house for the summer, maybe, if it works out (I keep forgetting Reagan has a few appointments this summer she can't miss and I was going to keep her there with me to cut costs on childcare); and find some way and time to rent out our house or a few rooms in it - which also takes time, preparation, and effort - and I don't know how long we will all actually be gone so then how long do we offer a tenant the opportunity to rent here - and then there's the inevitable "what do we do with the animals" even after all that is worked out. So many variables, possibilities, and factors; so much cost, time, effort, and unknowns.
I am beyond weary. I'm literally all the things you could possibly be almost all of the time - glad, sad, mad, hurt, grateful, resentful, joyful, bitter, optimistic, realistic, relieved, petrified, etc, etc, etc. This is induced by the questions I try hard not to follow up with when I get overwhelmed by all of the above: Why is there no easy, ideal, or even achievable answer here? Why does somebody always have to lose? Why is there always something so big at stake? Why is this so freaking hard all of the time? Why me? Why my family? Why, why, why?!?!?!?!
But see, I got overwhelmed by even just writing about all of this so I took a breath, threw myself into the back of my chair, and perspective hits me like a tidal wave: "What if Griffin has surgery next week? What if he does amazing and is only there another month or so, or even less? What if he doesn't make it? How must he feel being stuck in the hospital for almost 3 months now just surviving and fighting to hang on?What does any of this actually matter in the face of what's happening to him?"
But adulting doesn't stop. Life doesn't suddenly get easier just because it's not easy at all, and no amount of perspective brings perfect and permanent acceptance. So we carry on like the battered tumbleweeds we live amongst in the desert. Who knew the landscape in which I live and was my most treasured place to find peace, would become the thing that is riddled with irritatingly incessant symbolic significance to the chaos we live in now? Such sweet irony.
I'm not sure I'm even making any sense anymore, which probably paints the most accurate picture of my current state of being, but I digress.
I'm still here, still hanging on, still coping and processing and dealing as best I can - and tomorrow we'll do it all again, maybe even a little bit better.
I hope this doesn't come across as self-pity and/or completely pitiful. While I love a good pity party, I like to keep them private usually, and every day isn't always like this. But this is part of the journey, and if I want to make this as authentic a space as possible, I'm going to have to be more vulnerable and share my less-than-sunshiny side a bit more (with a lot fewer cuss words so we can keep this G-rated -I'm working on that bad habit, though not terribly hard to be completely honest).
So, I hope you don't feel sorry for me because this isn't a cry for pity. It's just my honest answer to the question a lot of really lovely people who I'm super thankful for ask me on a regular basis. If you're one of those people putting up with me and my immensely bipolar state, thank you, truly. I am trying my best. And I hope whoever is reading this can take something away about embracing the suck on days like today and feeling ok to share that with others, and feel all the things freely and openly. If nothing else, know you can do that here, because obviously I am no one to judge or do anything but extend my hand in solidarity and say "Me too." And then we can sit in silence, awkwardly trying to figure out how to coexist on this planet.
No matter what the struggle is, or even on the good days, it's never a bad idea to take a moment from time to time, get naked (metaphorically speaking, but if your literal then rock on), and walk around in just our souls for a bit. I'm reminding myself of that after a long pause and now being supremely hesitant to share this - but here's to authenticity and vulnerability.
Photo by Akshay Nayak from Pexels
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